i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
