I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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