I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You ruined the universe
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
