guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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