just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You smell like stripper and shame
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
