Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
