Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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