i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
two words: eviction party
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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