1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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