if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
