Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
