We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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