I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
