is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
