So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
