I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
