So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
