my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Holy sore nipples Batman
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