So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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