Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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