I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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