I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
