my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
