Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
