I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
