The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
