You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
