I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
