There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You are the jesus of drinking
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
