I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
