Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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