he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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