I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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