More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
