You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
