Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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