Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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