Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
