So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
