While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
