I wish I could teleport
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
