It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
