I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
