Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
