Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
