You're my little dorito
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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