At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
