You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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