So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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