No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
